Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Randomize
