when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Randomize
