I will die if light touches me.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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