Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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