She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
