idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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