I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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