i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
