Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
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