and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
