so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
and you fell through a lawn chair
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Randomize
