I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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