Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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