I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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