the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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