butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
