i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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