Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
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