I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
