toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
