is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
