OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize