i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize