You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
