Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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