Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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