Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
