So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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