Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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