about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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