just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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