Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
