the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
