drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
