I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
