Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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