She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
