last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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