guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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