I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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