I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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