I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
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