I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize