so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Randomize
