he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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