Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
