Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
