Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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