What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
