you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
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