the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize