I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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