If that was your dad, he is hot
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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