My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I use my feet as sexual weapons
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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