what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
