so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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