why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
When are your genitals available?
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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