I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
as a side note pls kill me
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
