Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
porn star boner night. come get it.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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