How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
