I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
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