my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
