you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
