god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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