I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
