First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
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