just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
