The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
