He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
